Not Even Cake

The blood in my heart must have left for my cheeks, because I got my colour back but I felt empty. I expected a deep yearning, that burning tight feeling you get on the left side of your chest from time to time, when the face of the one you lost appears before your mind’s eye. Sometimes the visage arises like smoke from an extinguished candle, wafting in unnoticed at first and suddenly surrounding all of your senses. Other times the familiar smile, the certain look in the eye seems to come hurtling at you like a canon ball, full-force. But either way, his features mustered no more than a muted flicker of melancholy inside my chest, except for on rare occasions when I came across an old photograph which captured a kiss, or some song of significance fell uninvitedly upon my ears.

No, mostly I felt an empty space where heartbreak should be. You’d think that nothingness would be preferable to the pain of torn cardiovascular muscles, but in fact it brings with it its own kind of hell. There are no tears to let trickle hot and tickly down reddened cheeks, no hard, convulsing sobs into a pillow, I could find no release for the misery that I found myself in. Where does one obtain catharsis for a pain that can’t be healed because it refuses to show itself? What sudden cowardice of emotion had I acquired? I found myself static, usually prostrate, staring blankly into the white canvas of the ceiling above me, what I was looking for I don’t know. Sometimes thoughts whirred in chaos and without apparent providence, other times it was as though I had no brain inside my skull at all. At any rate, my physicality became unmovable, solid and heavy as the bed I laid upon, arms like lead, without an ounce of life inside me.

And though at first it might sound laughable, I only realised that my current situation had become so dire when even the thought of the cake sat in the fridge not twenty feet away from me wasn’t enough to wake me from my corpse-like state. “Not even cake” I heard myself whisper. Not even cake. They would not go down in history as words of great profundity. I felt an irritation stir at my being so unpoetic during a period of such sincere and fervent heart-break. Indeed, it was not the fact that I did not want the cake that awakened me from my deadened state, but the ridiculousness of the sentence I had just uttered. And then, quite suddenly and at once the irritation evaporated along with the overwhelming sense of nothingness and I felt the muscles in my face tighten as I began to smile from the sheer absurdity of the picture I had just created.

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Without You

I’m so tired
I sleep all night
And most of the day
I watch through the window
The moon moves across the sky
I lay here – still, silent, alone
What’s there to say?
Just a sorry sight
I’m expired

It’s all true
Sound is dulled
The colour is dimmed
Still I carry on just the same
Even though the light has now gone
It does not matter if it rains
A statue in the wind
Nothing to unfold
Without you

Gloves

Today I got a haircut,
I thought I’d feel amazing.
Instead it just reminded me,
That everything is changing.

Your gloves are in my pocket,
And the weathers not that bad.
But it’s the closest I can get,
To holding your hand.

It used to drive me crazy,
The way you hogged the bed.
Now I’d give anything,
To be annoyed by you again.

What is Love?

What is love?
A thing I think so often of.
I must confess,
I am somewhat obsessed,
By what is love.

A prickling of the skin,
Suggests a mystery within.
Or something less,
A happy accidental mess,
Of neurons firing?

I cannot tell,
The origins of this wicked spell,
Or what it means.
Like trickery, at once it seems,
Such heaven and then hell.

Lost

To know your kiss,
Should hide no doubt.

If they still haunt,
I’ll cast them out.

No darkened clouds,
Or beckoning ghosts.

I’m sure it’s this,
That I miss most.

To gently lay,
Right next to me.

And not to try,
But just to be.

And know my smile,
it hides no tears.

I’m sure you miss,
this most my dear.

Please say the words,
Let’s start anew.

With all my heart,
I’d promise you.

No matter what,
At any cost.

I’d find the love,
That we both lost.

Your Name

I’d begged you to see what was in front of you, to see how completely I was yours for the taking. Your calm repose and indifferent responses only impassioned me further. It was all a joke to you, it seemed. My agony, my desperate attempt to explain just how totally in love with you I was, was nothing more than a passing compliment that would fade in moments. Hysterical, I began to panic and babbled in a frenzy. A slurry of home-truths spilt forth. You were repressed, a coward, a narcissist, you were in denial, you saw what we had and it frightened you, you were too weak to allow yourself to love me, or too weak to acknowledge that you already did.

In the midst of my tirade, and as you began to blush with fury, a group of young women who appeared to know you came by. They whispered unintelligible insults about you into my ears, all speaking at once. Were they the ghosts of your past come to haunt you and enlighten me? You watched for the briefest of moments before walking away shouting out ‘you’re fucking mad, don’t ever try and contact me again.’ From the back of you, I noticed you wipe a tear from your cheek. ‘Don’t waste your time on him’ said one of the women ‘he is notorious.’ ‘I have to go, sorry’ I spluttered pushing past them.

By now you were nearly out of sight. I was running after you as you cried, walking away all in black. Every time I got close to you, some obstacle came in the way, pinning me down or holding me back – metal wires which appeared from nowhere entangled me. It was good that you were crying, I thought, we were finally getting down to the bottom of things. ‘What shameful past is holding you from living your future?’ I wondered as I continued to shout after you, desperately calling out your name.

Out of breath I shook off the mysterious and unearthly wires again and again which creeped after me like vines of ivy. The passers by pointed you out, ‘that way, he went that way’ they would say with one finger extended towards a point in the distance. I squinted to make you out, in your black silhouette far down the road. I was still crying after you but I couldn’t breathe anymore, I couldn’t take in enough air, I couldn’t reach you. I woke up screaming your name.